Birthday Thoughts

With my birthday fast approaching I have been giving serious thought to what it means for me to now be 18. 

This whole...adult thing. Seems kind of out of place. Because I'm still in school and for at least the next two years, I will still be with my Mom. It's the whole Dad thing that's starting to gnaw at me. I suppose the fact that he's decided to try and come back into my life and tell me what to do and how to do it. Obviously, I don't let him decide these things for me, it's just the fact that he is trying to that is irritating the hell out of me.

I am not the same little girl, I was the last time he saw me. The last time he saw me I was 13 and scared of him. Scared of being told I was stupid or ugly or not good enough, because that's what I was always told. I was also scared of being hurt, which I didn't realize was my subconcious trying to tell me that I was actually being hurt.

I had just meet the people that are now my closest friends so I felt very alone. And in all honesty, aside from my best friend, I really don't have anyone else to care. That's ok. My best friend has done so much for me throughout all of this and I cannot thank her enough for that. Sometimes I just worry that I'm dumping to much on her. I hope that's not the case and that if I was she would tell me. 

I'm also worried about what this last interaction with my Dad next week will be like. I don't plan to contact him after this. Because that's just me putting myself through the cycle of abuse again, but how can I be sure he won't contact me? Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night about my birthday. It has nothing to do with being an adult or having all of my friends over for some big bash. It's simply abut what my Dad will try to do and be like in my future.