Last Day I'm 17

So wow..today is my last day as a 17 year old. It's crazy to think that tomorrow I will be 18. I know I won't feel any different. It's just...wow. 18 years. 18 years. I can't believe that my childhood is behind me. And that my adult life will be beginning. 

On that note, I don't feel like my adult life will be beginning tomorrow. I believe that my adult life will officially begin the day I go to college. I don't know why I feel like that, I just do. I always have.

On another note, I don't actually think anyone remembers my birthday except for a handful of friends and family. I'll be interested to see what happens tomorrow. I'll keep ya'll posted. Much love.

Birthday Thoughts

With my birthday fast approaching I have been giving serious thought to what it means for me to now be 18. 

This whole...adult thing. Seems kind of out of place. Because I'm still in school and for at least the next two years, I will still be with my Mom. It's the whole Dad thing that's starting to gnaw at me. I suppose the fact that he's decided to try and come back into my life and tell me what to do and how to do it. Obviously, I don't let him decide these things for me, it's just the fact that he is trying to that is irritating the hell out of me.

I am not the same little girl, I was the last time he saw me. The last time he saw me I was 13 and scared of him. Scared of being told I was stupid or ugly or not good enough, because that's what I was always told. I was also scared of being hurt, which I didn't realize was my subconcious trying to tell me that I was actually being hurt.

I had just meet the people that are now my closest friends so I felt very alone. And in all honesty, aside from my best friend, I really don't have anyone else to care. That's ok. My best friend has done so much for me throughout all of this and I cannot thank her enough for that. Sometimes I just worry that I'm dumping to much on her. I hope that's not the case and that if I was she would tell me. 

I'm also worried about what this last interaction with my Dad next week will be like. I don't plan to contact him after this. Because that's just me putting myself through the cycle of abuse again, but how can I be sure he won't contact me? Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night about my birthday. It has nothing to do with being an adult or having all of my friends over for some big bash. It's simply abut what my Dad will try to do and be like in my future.

Princess Dreams

I suppose it's easy to pretend that you're someone you're not. In essence people do it all the time. The version of yourself that you display at work is not the same version you display at home.

In my childhood, I often dreamt of being a princess. Some may say that is just the typical dream of any little girl dreams of. But mine were my way of escaping the hardships that my father put me through.

From the time I was little I was mentally and emotionally abused by my father. My parents divorced when I was 4 but I still had to spend time with him on weekends. Whatever I did or didn't do was never enough for him. It got to the point that as an 8 year old I would dread going to his house. I would flinch when someone called my name. And burst into tears at any point.

It didn't help that I was bullied constantly in elementary school. My life was a living hell when I was at school. I was safe when I was at home with my Mom and Grandparents but any where else was hell for me.

So I made up this amazing little story. One day I would meet a prince often one who looked like Prince William. And later on he became Matthew Macfadyen. He would fall in love with me right away and sweep me off my feet offering me his hand and heart and every other possession he had. Promising that he would never hurt me physically (like the bullies did) or emotionally (like my father did) That dream saved me more times then I can count.

Don't ever tell a little kid that their daydreams are stupid or idiotic. Because that day dream may just be saving that child's life.

What Isn't Said...

People seem to think that they can tell me all about themselves and any of the issues they may or may not be having. I don't have an issue with that.  I never have. It's just that up until now I've never really had anyone that was willing to do the same with me aside from family. 

My best friend is the first person outside of my family who's ever listened to what I'm feeling. Alot of the time I feel bad for throwing all of that on her, because it's not her issue. But she's always been there for me and I do hope that she knows how much that means to me.

I've never said what I was feeling. And in all honesty no one has ever asked. It always made me feel bad. Like I wasn't important to anyone. Thankfully my best friend has changed that for me. But sometimes I still feel myself slipping into those old habits. 

I just hope that anyone who is reading this, sees that life is not easy for everyone. Even if they look happy and amazing and carefree on the outside they could be hurting real bad on the inside. So please everyone. Take a moment and really ask someone how they are. You don't know it...but you could be saving someone.